kimono

One thing I re-learned when MIL passed was that the kimono they put her in would not "show off" the pretty flowers that she had on the left side of her kimono.

Most kimono are designed to have pretty flowers and such on the left side (when worn).

When a person dies though, the right side of the kimono is placed over the left, so these pretty flowers and such tend to get covered up.

This is a photo I took back in 2008 at the Toji flea market, you can see the left side of the kimono (when a person wears it) is very decorative and the right side is kind of plain.

saying goodbye

We just came back after spending the past 5 days in Kyoto.

Thank you to those who reached out to us and gave your condolences, we appreciate it!

Last Thursday, MIL and BIL had lunch together.

BIL went back to work and MIL had an appointment with her home care doctor and care worker.

When the doctor and care worker came, they found MIL collapsed in the kitchen and she had already passed.

Apparently her death was caused by an irregular heart beat.

I wrote previously here about when FIL passed and this is similar to what happened on Saturday and Sunday.

On Monday and Tuesday, SIL and I cleaned...eww to rat poop!

We all agreed that we should all pay for professionals to come in to get rid of  "things" because there is just too much stuff to get rid of.

It was so sudden but I am glad she did not suffer.

I am thankful she was not bedridden, did not have dementia and lived by herself for as long as she did.

I am thankful to all the care workers, doctors, BIL and SIL for always looking out for MIL.

Friday would have been her 92nd birthday.

We love you MIL and you will be missed.

49 day service

Yesterday, we had my Mom's 49-day service.

I've written about 49-day service in the past, here, but there wasn't much detail about why it is done.

In Buddhism, 49 days is referred to as "Chuin", which means neither the present world nor the next...in the middle.

Apparently, after a person dies, their karmic energy is held in limbo for 49 days before taking another form.

So, observances every 7 days until the 49-day service are made in hopes to help the deceased receive a higher rebirth.

In Hawaii, most families who are Buddhist hold 7-day and 49-day services.

Unfortunately, we skipped the 7-day service...sorry Mom!

I hope by having the 49-day service, my Mom will be able to move on to the next world.

1 year service

On the 15th, we got together for my FIL's 1 year memorial service. Not only was it a memorial service, but we also put my FIL's ashes into the family grave.

The service was performed earlier than the actual day because of the schedule of the priest.

Up until now, we hadn't seen my MIL cry out loud, usually just dabbing tears here and there, but I guess this service upset her because she broke down. I guess because it would truly be her last "goodbye".

One tidbit, in Eastern Japan most keep the ashes in a ceramic container inside of the grave, but in Western Japan most put the ashes into a fabric bag so that the ashes can truly return back to the Earth.

Rewind to the 8th, we got together to see the new family grave. It was rebuilt in January so that my FIL's ashes would be able to be put in.

If you remember, we had gotten together back then to check out the Hyatt's Japanese restaurant, Touzan.

Well, after the service to see the new grave, we went back to Touzan for lunch and finalize our plans for the memorial service.

Satoshi and my BIL had the sushi lunch and my MIL and I had the tempura donburi lunch.

Luckily, the 1 year service went smoothly, my FIL's ashes went into the family grave. The days up until the service were rainy so we were glad that the weather was cooperative on that Sunday.

Lunch went smoothly too. Everyone enjoyed the boxed lunch and after a filling lunch, the immediate family went up to the lobby lounge to have dessert.

I can't believe how fast the year went by, today is the actual memorial day. Next year is the 3 year service. It is actually the 2 year but the Japanese have a complex way of counting things, which if you ask a Japanese they may or may not be able to explain.

I hope my MIL will start getting out more now that my FIL's ashes have been put into the grave, for the past year she has stayed at home because "she didn't want to leave my FIL at home by himself". I guess it may take some time though...

mochu hagaki

Every year, people send New Year's greetings to one another in the form of a postcard. 

This card is called Nengajo. The Nengajo is usually blank so that you can print a photo, or pictures of eto (Chinese zodiac sign) for the upcoming year. 

You can also take your photo to a shop and have it printed on special postcards to be mailed out. 

The younger generation just email one another.

I really enjoy receiving nengajo because most people print a photo of themselves from a vacation taken that year, or show how big their children got. 

The cards are really festive and colorful. 

On top of this, there is a lottery with the numbers at the bottom of the blank nengajo that you buy from the post office and you have the chance to win prizes, sometimes trips abroad. 

The cards are delivered on the first 3 days of the New Year. The postmen take a day off then deliver more on the 5th day. There is one rule of nengajo that I just don't get, after you send out your cards, you sometimes receive one from someone you didn't send one to. 

For me, I would just put that person's name on my list for the next year, but Satoshi says you have to send one to that person right away. So sometimes, after the New Year has started you are still sending out cards. I guess it is being courteous to return the card, but to me there is just no end to it!

 As you know, this year Satoshi's father passed away. As a rule of etiquette, you aren't supposed to send nengajo. 

Instead, you have to send out mochu hagaki or postcards saying that you are in mourning and will not be able to participate. 

It is a way to let the people sending nengajo know not to send you any and to let them know that you won't be sending any out. The unwritten rule is that you need to send these mochu hagaki at the beginning of December. 

This is to give the people sending nengajo time to take you off their list for the year, but not to totally cross you off their list because you didn't send a card at all.

Normally when we send out nengajo, I design the cards and print them out on our computer with the names and addresses. Then I have Satoshi write a little message on each of his cards to give them a personal touch. 

This year since we needed to send a formal mochu hagaki, we got them printed. The mochu hagaki can only be in black and white with maybe some yellow but definitely no other colors like blue, red or pink, even the stamps need to be the mourning type. 

Since Satoshi works late during the week, we had to try to finish the cards on the weekend. So we spent several hours on Saturday night, writing the names and addresses of people that we normally send nengajo to. 

Instead of printing out the names and addresses by computer, I felt we should at least write the names and addresses by hand since we couldn't write any messages on the cards. 

Satoshi usually has more to send to than I do and was whining and moaning the whole time, "my handwriting sucks", blah blah blah. My list is usually shorter, so I finished my list of people then jumped in to help him. Since we won't be receiving any nengajo, this year's New Years will definitely be low-key.

100 day service

After the disastrous 49 day service, my mother-in-law (MIL) wanted to take everyone out for a light supper on the day of the 100 day service. To make amends with the relatives.

To this day, she hasn't paid the other restaurant for their food or "service", she was upset that they sent the bill without an apology letter. They also sent a big guy demanding (to scare) her to pay, but she still refused. I think they have given up on her to pay, I give her credit for standing her ground.

Last month, Satoshi, my brother-in-law (BIL), my MIL and I went to Shouzan to taste their food and check out their atmosphere.
The restaurant that my MIL chose was called Senjukaku. A very expensive Japanese restaurant. It was almost like going to a ryokan (Japanese inn) for supper.

For about 7000 yen (about US$70) per person we had their kaiseki supper. The price was actually their lunch price!! Kaiseki is served in several courses and showcases the seasonal ingredients.

These were the courses in this order: top left, top right, bottom left, bottom right.


(top left) a terrine with yurine (lily bulb) (top right) a fish dango (ball) made with suzuki (Japanese sea bass) and topped with a gel like substance made to look like ajisai (hydrangea), in a clear broth. (bottom left) assorted sashimi (sliced raw fish), the two sauces: left bainiku (ume) right shoyu (soy sauce), the ume was used to eat the hamo (pike conger, sea eel) fourth from left. (bottom right) anago sushi (conger eel), kisu sushi (sillago, japanese whiting)--this was seasoned with sansho (japanese pepper)

(top left)ayu (sweetfish, river smelt), gobo wrapped with unagi (eel), soybeans, renkon (lotus root) filled with tarako (pollack roe), ume (japanese apricot) seasoned with syrup, kamo (duck), smoked salmon with a slice of cheese, tamagoyaki (omlette) sprinkled with sudachi (lime)(top right) simmered eggplant and udo (aralia) topped with fried myoga (Japanese ginger)(bottom left) renkon (lotus root) rice kamameshi style (rice cooked with vegatables in a small pot)with tsukemono and miso soup (bottom right) biwa (loquat) and watermelon

It was too much food for me, but I think my MIL was happy everything went well.

49 day service

First, I want to apologize if I am overloading your rss readers. I am trying to add tags to some old posts. I guess Blogger added this feature after I started my blog. :(

Sunday was the 49 day service for my father-in-law. We held the service at the church his family goes to, Hiden-in, which is on the grounds of Sennyuji, in Higashiyama, Kyoto.

Most of the same relatives showed up with the addition of a few more.

Luckily, the service was performed on chairs, so we didn't have to sit on our knees. I was disappointed because we do the same prayers every time. I thought that maybe there would be different prayers for the different stages that the deceased goes through. Satoshi was a bit disappointed by the service, the priest doesn't give a sermon at the end of the prayers. He thought that the priest should be there to explain different topics to "help the living cope with death". I guess services are different from what I've experienced in Hawaii and different from the ones that Satoshi has gone to in Japan.

Since the service was at 15:00, my mother-in-law wanted to serve a "light dinner" after. She asked the priest if we could borrow their large tatami room and she ordered food.

She told them to bring it by 16:00 because the service would only take an hour. Well, they came at 16:00 to set up.

They sent 1 guy to set up kaiseki (meal served in delicate courses) for 16 people! If you've ever gone to a ryokan (Japanese inn), you'll know that kaiseki has many dishes and is arranged "just so".

Satoshi and his brother had to help the guy lug in all the 10 different dishes, and my sister-in-law and I had to put everything onto everyone's tray! It was crazy! We had to constantly apologize to our "guests" for the mishap!

Then we were looking for the beer and tea that we ordered, he didn't have it. He was "just the delivery guy". Oh, but he brought 2 cases of beer glasses and sake ochoko (the little cups to drink sake with)!

He put out the sauce for the fried fish, but realized that he didn't have enough bowls for everyone. He had to borrow from the church! The wife of the priest wasn't too happy. Even she had to help with the passing out of the food!

Satoshi and his brother had to go out to buy some beer and tea, since the delivery guy said it would take over 20 minutes for him to drive back to the restaurant...they came back just in time to eat.

Despite the mishaps, everyone seemed to enjoy the meal.

Just as everyone was leaving, the delivery guy and ryoricho (chef) came to apologize--they brought cream puffs (as if they could calm our anger with sweets).

I felt as though I worked an 8 hour shift (I think I did!) and we were all glad that the service was over.

Here were some of the wagashi (Japanese sweets) that we received. At the top, Kanshundo's shihori--a creamy sweet white bean filling with a thin coating on the outside.

Kogetsu's sujakuooji--a sweet white bean filling with a thicker coating on the outside.

Lastly, we also received some plain mochi (rice cake), I broke them up into little pieces and will dry them for a week, then fry them up to make kakimochi (rice crackers)....stay tuned for the results of this (I hope they don't get moldy in the process..).

35 day service

Yesterday was a national holiday, it was also the 35-day service for Satoshi's father.

In Hawaii, we usually only do a 7-day and 49-day memorial service for the deceased.

In Kyoto, they do things really formally and actually have a memorial service every 7 days until the 49-day service.

Luckily for us, Satoshi's mom chose to only do the 7, 21, 35 and 49 day services.

Still, it is quite a tiring experience.

Everyone gathers at Satoshi's parent's home, tea needs to be served and greetings/bowing said. Family members bring sweets which are presented to the altar, this is called osonae, then the priest comes to say prayers for about half and hour. Sitting seiza (on your knees) for this long is very difficult. On top of this, everyone still wears all black clothing.

Since Satoshi's parent's home is quite small, a tray with a burning coal and a container with ground up incense is passed around to each person, according to "rank" in the family (first would be Satoshi's mom), each person puts some ground up incense onto the burning coal then says a prayer--this is called o-shoko.

After the service, the priest is given tea and his fee (about 3 hundred dollars US, this is given each time a service is performed!) The osonae is then divided amongst family that has attended the memorial service. Plus, a little gift, usually a Japanese confection and some chagashi(sweets for tea) is given at each service from the family to the people that attended the memorial service.

Lots of gift giving! This is one of the chagashi that we received, it is called Ajarimochi and is made by Mangetsu. It looks like a manju, but is chewy like mochi. The thing with wagashi (Japanese confections) is that the shelf life is very short.

Next week is the 49-day service, this will be held at the temple and a meal needs to be provided for everyone who attends.

Hope your week is going well.

saying goodbye

Sometimes I think that people know when it is their time to go because they do little things to help the people who are left behind cope with their leaving.

Such is my father-in-law. For the past 3 years he was in and out of the hospital. He had a type of bone marrow disease. When he was diagnosed, they had only given him 5 years.

But on his last day, he took a bath by himself, something that he was not able to do for the past 3 years because of his weak legs. He also talked about getting his hair cut, maybe buying a new pair of glasses.

On that day, he went for his usual blood transfusion treatment and then felt funny so they admitted him.

Most of the time my father-in-law was sick, we didn't know about the many times that he was admitted to the hospital, because my mother-in-law didn't want us to worry.

On Saturday, we happened to be travelling when Satoshi's dad passed. We were near Mt. Fuji in an area called Lake Yamanaka.

If you know about Mt. Fuji, you know that the weather changes very quickly and to be able to see the mountain clearly, you kind of have to be lucky.

On the day that my father-in-law passed away, the conditions for viewing Mt. Fuji were perfect and clear. To see Mt. Fuji that clear was really jaw dropping.

As we walked to the bus stop, Satoshi checked his cell phone to find out the bad news.

We walked as fast as we could to catch the bus back to Gotemba. A place we had been when we climbed Mt. Fuji in 2006.

Waiting for transportation when things like this occur is quite unbearable and you kind of feel helpless.

With all the transportation delays, it took us almost the whole day before we reached Kyoto.

In the old days, most Japanese had the wake and funeral in their homes. But since most homes are not big enough today, most Japanese use funeral halls to hold their wakes and funerals.

In the home, the deceased is placed on many futon(comforter) and a white silk cloth is placed over the face.

We took turns keeping a candle and incense lit day and night all the way until the wake and funeral. I think this was to keep the spirit with the family until the ceremonies.

On the day of the wake, the funeral home came to dress my father-in-law in his kimono. Then they brought in the coffin and we all placed some of his belongings in with him to "send him off".

As the coffin was placed into the hearse, the funeral home broke my father-in-law's chawan(rice bowl). This is to symbolize to the deceased that he may no longer receive food at the home.

The hall was decorated with lots of kiku (chrysanthemum), sakura (cherry blossoms) and other flowers. It was really beautiful and really different from what I've experienced in Hawaii. Everyone wore black. I was surprised at how much bowing was involved. The funeral hall representative mentioned that Kyoto is very particular about what is done, so it was exceptionally intense.

During the wake many people came to pay their respects, some from far away areas of Japan. Many were friends or associates of Satoshi or his brother.

Satoshi and his brother spent the night at the funeral hall with their father for the last time.

The next day was the funeral. Again we wore black. Many people came to pay their respects again, most of them were again either friends or associates of Satoshi or his brother.

After the service was over, the funeral hall cut the flower arrangement from the family and everyone in the immediate family was given flowers to put into the casket.

We then all went down to the area where the hearse waited.

Satoshi's brother said a few words and thanked everyone for coming.

The casket was placed into the hearse and we all rode in several taxis to the crematory. The taxis that followed the hearse were not allowed to follow right behind, but had to be at a staggered formation. The driver told us that this was to protect the hearse from being rear ended.

The Kyoto crematory was located at the top of a mountain near Keage. It was a beautiful drive, with the streets lined with cherry blossom trees in full bloom. When we arrived at the crematory, there was actually a line of hearses and taxis there.

The priest said a few prayers and we all prayed. Then they wheeled the casket to the area for cremation. And then my father-in-law was sent to be cremated. It was the first time for me to witness this and a bit too real for me.

After the doors shut, we were escorted to a waiting area. I was quite surprised. There were hundreds of people, all dressed in black. All waiting for their loved ones to be cremated.

While we waited, we all talked chit chat and then we were called to view the ashes.

The funeral home representative explained the different bones that were left and we were all allowed to use a pair of large chopsticks to put part of my father-in-law into an urn. The rest of the bones that were not able to fit into the urn would be buried at a large temple.

We all were escorted back into our taxis and taken down a different route back to the funeral hall. The driver said that this is so that you do not re-visit the sadness.

Once at the funeral hall, we all sat and prayed for the 7-day service. The reason that they perform this service on the day of the funeral is because most people work and cannot make it to the service.

After the 7-day service we all headed to the dining hall and had a nice dinner. It was quite festive and everyone talked about the good memories that they had with my father-in-law.

After everyone went home, we took Satoshi's mom home and watched as all the flower arrangements were put around a tiered table. This tiered table was decorated with melons, candles and incense. The urn was placed in a special "hut" on the top tier. This table with stay up until the 49-day service, when the urn will be placed in a collumbarium or into a grave.

Sorry this was such a long post, I wanted to share with you my first-hand experience. I want to thank everyone for their kind words and prayers. Satoshi, his brother and mother are doing fine. Though my father-in-law was a quiet man, his warm smile will deeply be missed.

funerals (p.s.)

There were a couple more tidbits I forgot to mention about funerals in Japan.

One was about memorial services. As Barbara reminded me in the comments (thanks Barbara!)....In Japan, there is the 49 day service, 3 year service, 7 year service and other odd numbered year services. I'm not too certain as to why these services are performed on odd number years. Actually, most memorial services end up being done on even number years because of the way the Japanese count the years of death. The day that the person passes away is considered the first year that the person has passed. So, when the 3rd year memorial service comes around, it is actually the 2nd year.

This is also true of birthdays in Japan. The day you are born is considered the 1st year, so on your next birthday you are 2. (I think I like counting the years as they are and not "upping them" any more than necessary, don't you?)

The other thing which I forgot to mention which is really important is NEVER stick your chopsticks straight up in a bowl of rice or a dish of food. This is how the Japanese offer food to the deceased.

And a tidbit from Hawaii, is that we never cover our musubi (rice balls) totally in nori(laver), there has to be a little rice showing. I'm not really sure why, but I think it has to do with the whole musubi being black if it is covered.

I think that is all the tidbits, if I remember any more I'll let you know, or if you have any more, I'd love to hear them.

funerals

Not a very pleasant subject to talk about, but since Satoshi has been going to funerals and wakes lately, I wanted to share with you an experience I had in my second year (2002) here--I actually had a temporary job working for two days for a funeral management service.

Here's part of my email that was dated August 20, 2002.

"On Sunday, I got a call about a new temporary job. This job was for a wake and funeral. At first, I thought "yikes, someone's funeral..." In Hawaii, most people's family and friends help with these things. Most funerals in Hawaii are generally small and rather private, in the sense that only family and friends are involved. But in Japan, some families enlist the help of funeral homes and funeral management services. These service companies do EVERYTHING, from serving guests tea to setting up tents and signs. I was surprised at how much gift giving is important even at funerals. They give gifts such as green tea or even have catalogs where you can order what you want to those who attended the funeral! And they sometimes even give these gifts to people who attend the wake.

In Hawaii, they don't really give gifts to the people that attend, I think this is mostly due to the influence of the sugar cane era. In the sugar cane era, money was very tight and the sugar cane workers lived in plantation camps. When someone passed away, they would collect money from amongst the camp members and give it to the deceased person's family. Usually, nothing was given in return, but the family gave thanks by giving some food to eat and something to drink to those that attended the funeral. This is why at the end of most funerals in Hawaii, there is a little buffet table.

Anyway, this was my first time to attend a funeral in Japan. I usually don't like to "play the gaijin card" (the fact that I'm a foreigner), but working at this particular wake and funeral I was frazzled. The whole time I was "on egg shells", trying not to offend the family or piss off my bosses. Everything, like all types of ceremonies has to be just so...One boss telling you to do something, so you drop what you are doing to do as you've been told. Then another boss comes along and says, "what are you doing? you should be doing this..." Then of course, the first boss comes back and wonders why you haven't done what they told you to do, all the while you have to bow and say hai hai (yes, yes)....AARGH!

Some interesting observations...they cut off flowers from the arrangements at the funeral to have family members put it into the casket. The hearse is in the shape of a little temple and is mounted on the car (some are really flashy with gold leaf!). On a hot, humid August day, we also had to wear a uniform that included a vest and white gloves and had to bow as the deceased arrived for the funeral and also as the family left with the deceased. People attending the funeral all wear black. Men wear black suits with white shirts and black neckties. Women wear black dresses with a string of pearls (no other type of jewelry is allowed) and black stockings. Even your handkerchief has to be black.

When the person who attended the funeral returns home, you are supposed to throw salt at them (the person receives the salt at the funeral). This is to stop the spirit of the deceased from entering your home."

Today, Satoshi experienced going to the crematory. In Japan, the family passes the bones of the deceased from one person to the next with chopsticks to put into the urn. (For this reason, when passing food to someone, you should never pass it from your chopstick to the other person's chopsticks.)

Still, this is an interesting part of Japanese culture, don't you think?